How to Get a Protective Order Against an Abuser

Part of an ongoing series about life with complex post-traumatic stress disorder

Many complex trauma survivors end up going no contact with their abusers. In fact, it can be really, really hard to get well even while in therapy, without going low or no contact.

But what happens when the abuser doesn’t accept that you want them out of your life?

There are real legal options for that, and I have found that trauma therapists and psychiatrists are not well versed in them. So, I wanted to outline the steps in the process (at least in the US) to make it easier and less intimidating for other trauma survivors.

Protective orders can be against a close family member or intimate partner (domestic violence restraining orders) or they can be against someone else like a neighbor, former colleague, or less close family (civil restraining order). To file for the order, there needs to be a history of emotional or physical abuse. Just because someone hasn’t hit you, doesn’t mean you can’t file for a restraining order against them.

Most people who have heard of protective orders probably think of the “someone has to stay 200 feet away from someone else” type you might see in movies. But restraining orders are powerful because they create legal recourse for a lot of things, and they are shaped by what you request. Here are some things that can be requested:

• No contact allowed (including emails, texts, social media, or trying to reach through other people)
• No harassing, stalking, threatening or harming people protected by the order
• Staying away by a certain distance (in general, or just from a specific place like a home, school, or workplace)
• Moving out from a home that is shared with the protected person
• Not having guns, firearms, or ammunition
• Pay spousal or child support

They can be against anyone in the country regardless of whether they are in the same city or state. Usually, they are granted for a period of time five years or less, but they can be renewed. There are special benefits to having one: at least in my state, when someone violates one, police have to show up in less than five minutes to remove them. The restrained person can be jailed or fined for violating it. It is also a strong deterrent because it can have material impacts on their life: it affects employability, background checks, and ability to secure housing.

Here are the general steps, and what the process was like for me:

1. Decide who you want the order against
2. Figure out what type of restraining order you need (civil vs. DV)
3. Decide what you want the order to do (no contact, stay away, etc.)
4. Find a non-profit in your area that supports people in securing those orders
5. Complete an intake with a non-profit and initial interviews
6. Review all the forms together
7. File the papers in person at the court (some non-profits do this for you)
8. Receive the temporary order (this is in effect until your hearing)
9. Get the protected person served by a police department or friend/family member
10. Go to the hearing to answer questions from the judge
11. If the abuser did not show up to the hearing, get them served with the permanent order
12. Call your attorney/police if it is violated
13. Get the order renewed as needed

In my case, I requested no contact, and wrote one of my abusers a letter, explaining that what they had done was not ok, how it had impacted me, and setting boundaries for if and when I got back in contact with them. They did not respect the request and continued to harass me by phone, email, mail, and through other people. This was super triggering to me — my PTSD symptoms would spike for days after. I felt like I couldn’t escape them and would never be free of them. So when I learned there was legal recourse, I tried to figure out the process.

I started by doing online research. Every county typically has a website that explains the process for getting a protective order. You can download the forms, and complete them yourself — but I don’t recommend that. Usually, each city or county has a domestic violence non-profit that will help you complete the forms pro bono, and/or go to court with you. This is hugely advantageous — the forms are complex, there are many of them, and the courts like them to be completed in a certain way. You can also hire a lawyer to help, but every one that I called wanted a $10k retainer, and the non-profits have lawyers on staff for free. Some non-profits only work on intimate partner cases, whereas others also take family disputes, so depending on your case, you might need to call several non-profits in your county and those surrounding until you find one that is a fit. You do not have to file the restraining order in your county, though if you file elsewhere the restrained party may file for a change of venue (if they know to do that).

After I found a non-profit to take my case, I had to do a screening call with them where they did an intake interview. Then I had to meet with an attorney to help them gather the information to complete the forms, and write a declaration on my behalf. A declaration is a personal statement, that explains the history of abuse with the abuser. The meeting in my case lasted about two hours, and it was quite tough, because I had to go over every way the abuser had physically or emotionally hurt me in the last few decades. They asked for a lot of details, dates, and stories. If you get triggered easily in situations like this, it might be easier to ask for the questions in writing, then write them a document providing the answers, rather than having to talk it out. I also think you could bring a friend or therapist with you for moral support.

I met again a week or so later to review everything they had drafted and sign off for them to file. After filing, the judge granted a temporary order, which is the order that applies until you have a hearing. Then, the order had to be served, which means, delivered to the person you want the order against. As a note, the restrained person gets a copy of everything you submit to the court — so be prepared for them to read the full account of how they abused you.

To deliver it, you can either have a family member or friend deliver it, or you can have the local police department do it. Because my abuser is unstable and often violent I had the police do it. The order typically has to be served at least a week before the hearing in order to give the restrained party time to prepare and seek legal counsel, or else the hearing gets pushed out. I was really scared to have the order served because I thought the rest of my family might be upset with me. But, they were not allowed to contact me on my abuser’s behalf, because of the temporary order.

After the order is served, the restrained person has the right to file a response. If they do, you and your attorney receive a copy of it.

I did a call with the attorney to prep for the hearing — we talked about what the judge might ask. If you have a non-profit representing you, you can ask them the odds of your case going well, and what this particular judge likes/does not like. It can help to practice the answers out loud to a friend.

Then, you have the hearing for the order. I needed a full morning off of work for the hearing, because they heard my case in a batch of twenty five cases, and I didn’t know when mine would come up. You need to dress nicely for the hearing (no jeans or ripped clothes). The court room is a small room with a judge behind a desk at the front, and about six or seven court staff (bailiff, typist, translators, people drafting orders) sitting facing you. There are big desks on each side of the court room, one for the plaintiff (you and your legal representation) and one for the defendant and their legal representation.

They started by listing all the cases there that day, and seeing if any needed to be pushed to a later date. Then, they started hearing cases. Some of the cases went by in just a minute — others took closer to twenty minutes. In each, the judge asks why you want the order, then gives the restrained person a chance to respond (if they show up). After listening to several cases, my advice would be to keep answers short, to the point, factual, and devoid of accusations or name calling. I was amazed how the judge could see straight through some of the defendants (some of whom were telling big, obvious lies). They didn’t let people ramble on forever or fight with each other.

I was super scared and anxious about the whole process, because I had no idea whether it would be contentious. What would they say? What would I say? Would the judge think I was silly? I really, really recommend bringing someone supportive with you. Because, it is really nerve wracking to be in a room full of people who are very angry with each other. Especially, people who are being accused of violent offenses in great detail.

The judge granted my order at the hearing, and I was allowed to leave. But, because my abuser responded in writing and did not attend the hearing, I had to get them served all over again. But, getting people served a second time is often harder, because they may not be as willing to open the door to police if they know what’s coming.

This whole process had me feeling really sad that it was necessary. I wish they had just been willing to respect me and my boundaries, and that it could have been different. Glad, that I chose to protect myself and put my needs over my abuser’s after a lifetime of people pleasing to stay safe. And finally, I felt free, finally safe. I thought my abuser would have to die before they would leave me alone. I really didn’t believe I would escape being texted 20x a day, and guilt tripped constantly or cussed out for not giving them enough attention. They liked to threaten to show up at my door and so for the first time in a long time I don’t have to be afraid of who might knock — or what would happen if they somehow got past my building locks.

If you are dealing with people who won’t take no for an answer, who show up at work or at school and create chaos, who harass you constantly or make your life hell, you don’t have to stand for it. This process was hard and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone — but it is a few months of stress for multiple years of peace.

Note: I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. This is just an overview of how this works in one US state and it may vary based on your geography.