Please don’t directly ask people with PTSD what caused it

Part of an ongoing series about life with complex post-traumatic stress disorder

I once had a couple’s therapist suddenly ask me to list all the types of trauma I’ve experienced in a clinical type list to prove that I was traumatized. Despite my best efforts, I became completely overwhelmed, left the session, and had panic attacks and cried for twenty minutes because 1) being disbelieved by an authority figure was triggering and 2) I couldn’t handle how triggering all the memories and flashbacks that started popping up were.

It’s so tempting to say to someone who has PTSD, “wait, how, you seem so normal, what on earth could have caused it? Your life seems so great, you’re so successful.” While it’s complimentary to be impressed by how high functioning someone is, trauma can happen to absolutely anyone.

There are safer ways to inquire, like, “what chapter of your life was so challenging for you?” Or, “if you’d like to share, know that I’m here to discuss anything you need to.”

But please, do not ask someone you see with a therapy dog for PTSD, “Oh, were you a veteran? What happened to you? If you’re not a veteran, how do you have PTSD?” etc., and so on. Every time you ask, you may be causing someone to hear, feel, see experience some of the worst moments of their lives.

If someone does open up to you, it may be hard for them to explain clearly. Memories of traumatic events are often fuzzy because the brain shuts out or obscures parts to protect the rest of the brain/body from trauma. That is why there is trauma processing in certain types of therapy, like EMDR, and why many people have repressed memories. Some people were abused so young they don’t even have the ability to remember.

Please don’t respond to folks by saying, “Well, something like that happened to me, and I don’t have PTSD,” or by saying “Well Mom treated all of us like that, what made you so special to have a disorder from it?” Or, “That’s impossible, I was there too, and it wasn’t that bad.” While it can be very hard to hear that someone you know has gone through something very difficult, comments like that are invalidating, dismissive, and do not help people feel accepted.

It’s important to remember that people respond to events in different ways… Someone who returns from war with PTSD is not any less strong than someone who returns from war without it, even if they stood next to each other on the front lines.

So, if you hear someone has PTSD, before you ask them where they got it, stop, think, and consider saying instead, “I’m so sorry to hear that, that must be really difficult. Let me know if there are any particular ways I can support you, and know I accept you for who you are regardless of any condition, this or others, that you have.”