What anxiety feels like

Part of an ongoing series about life with complex post-traumatic stress disorder

A few weeks ago, I had a reaction to a new medication my psychiatrist had me try. It made me super, super anxious, which happens sometimes when new medicines aren’t always the best fit. It made it so hard for me to function, that I wondered whether other people could fathom what it felt like. So, I want to write about what it feels like to have anxiety. On a daily basis, not just in an extreme sense.

Anxiety feels like….a high pitched keening sound in you ear, like something poking in your eye, that’s constant but you can’t reach and you can’t scratch, and it just won’t go away, like the buzz of a saw that’s just out of sight.

Anxiety feels like…being afraid to move, but afraid not to, being afraid to be alone, but being afraid to reach out, being afraid to go, but being afraid of not going, and no matter which you do, you don’t know if it was the right choice.

Anxiety feels like…driving on loops in traffic in your head, where there’s so much noise and light that you wonder if you’re even on the right road, but you don’t see any other roads in sight.

Anxiety feels like…crying on the floor late at night because you’re so tired, and can’t sleep, because you’re afraid of your dreams, and you’re unable to find rest.

Anxiety feels like…the spooky music you hear on a crime show, playing in the background as you go about your day, and you keep waiting to see what will go wrong, and nothing does, and that makes the tension even worse.

Anxiety feels like…thinking, what if they like me? What if they don’t like me? What if I’m not the right kind of person? But what if I am? What if I’m loved? What if I’m not loved? What will it mean? Why don’t I know? Why aren’t I more? Why aren’t I less?

Anxiety feels like…nervously talking so fast that you’re out of breath, and you can’t hear what you’re saying any more. And also, talking so quietly, no one can hear you.

Anxiety feels like…an invisible sword hanging above your head that only you can see, as you wait for the other shoe to drop.

Anxiety feels like…being awake at night, too scared to check what’s under the bed, but too frightened to shut your eyes.

Anxiety feels like…being afraid people will be upset you’re mixing metaphors, or similes, or whatever the right classification you don’t know is.

Anxiety feels like…wondering if your family will still love you, if they actually know all parts of you.

Anxiety feels like…obsessive worry with another person, place, or thing, so that you cannot think about anything else.

Anxiety can be a flash, it can be a hum, it can be drumming behind your ears, it can be a fast beating heart, a knitted brow, a clenching of stomach muscles, the grinding of your teeth, a fist pulled tight, a rapid brushing of fingers through the hair…it can be just part of you, or everywhere.

Not sure if you’re just worried or stressed? Check out: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/26/smarter-living/the-difference-between-worry-stress-and-anxiety.html?