What does hypervigilance feel like?
Part of an ongoing series about life with complex post-traumatic stress disorder
Ok, hyperviligance…is kind of a big word. Basically, you know when you feel all tense and jumpy like something bad might happen? Kind of like in a horror movie when it’s a little too quiet? Your senses are all riled up, tuned in for a something scary to happen?
That’s what being hyper — extra — vigilant — on guard — is like, except for people with PTSD or CPTSD, we often feel like that all the time. It makes us snappy, prone to outbursts, tired, cranky, and have a whole lot of trouble relaxing. But there are some performative forms of hyperviligance that I think many folks don’t think of, that are all about being vigilant for risk. Some you might be familiar with. For example, if you’re a woman with PTSD, you might avoid going out late at night, in certain clothes, or walking in certain areas by yourself.
In my head, avoidance — keeping away from stuff that’s perceived as dangerous or triggering — kind of gets mushed up with hypervigilance. If you’re on guard for something, you’re also going to avoid it.
So, here are some of the ways my personal hypervigilance expresses…
Clothes: In the past, I have tended to wear a lot of businessy clothes. Clothes that say, if you mess with me, you’ll be sorry — and not the I’ll hit you sorry, but I’ll hit you with a lawsuit sorry. My hair used to be long past my shoulders, now it is shorter and no nonsense. I rarely go out of the house not dressed nicely unless I’m sick, and until recently I also only owned one sweatshirt and one pair of sweat pants — also for when I’m sick. This is because I learned early on that you never know what’s going to happen. If I end up having to talk to a policeman because someone attacks me, or is crazy and accuses me of doing something I didn’t, it’s going to be a much easier time if I look as believable as possible (…I guess that’s what many years of not being believed does to you!) I also dress fashionably so that I can be beyond reproach with my family or significant other. If I’m attractive, I hope they won’t pick on me.
Jumpiness/extreme startle response: If you come into a room and I’m not expecting it, I fly into the air out of my chair and sometimes shriek. Twice when someone came home unexpectedly and entered the bedroom where I was sleeping, I screamed, threw multiple things at them, and was completely terrified. I once started a phone job interview by screaming in an instance like that! Oh, joys of PTSD life.
Positioning: Generally, I do not like sitting in areas where someone can come up behind me without me knowing. I’m most comfortable sitting in corners looking out, but not in a corner where I’m trapped, like in a booth. Then I want to sit on the edge of a booth. I can get very distracted when there is frequent movement behind me, and am even afraid of sitting with my back to doors inside my own home sometimes.
Being watchful: When I go into places, I look all around — right left up down — to see if there are cameras watching me, people or sounds coming from places I might not expect, so that I am not surprised. That might sound like a lot of work, but to me it’s a two second, unnoticeable scan that no one else usually notices. People who are hypervigilant like this are the ones who will notice whether a pot is boiling over, something is beeping funny, etc. One of my family members who may also struggle with PTSD is like this at pools; she always assumes that everyone swimming is in danger while everyone else relaxes…and over the last 30 years, she’s saved three people from drowning!
Listening really hard: I can identify everyone I’ve ever lived with by footstep. I can also identify their cars by sound. They might be coming to bother/chat with/judge me! It’s how I knew as a child when to hide that I was reading books or eating a snack instead of doing math homework, and it’s still one of the major ways I orient today. I don’t deal well with having my ears touched or covered — for some reason I have a trauma response in which whenever someone touches my ears, I’ll involuntarily smack them. When they tried to cover my ears for a brain MRI when I had a head injury, I was fine until they tried to lock my head in place, and then even when I was smiling encouragingly, I’d still find tears running down my face. A good media analog to this is in “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”, where she keeps hitting her boyfriend with a telephone due to her PTSD over intimacy.
Checking time: I was timed a lot as a kid and got majorly in trouble even for just being a few minutes late. So, I frequently check what time it is, and have trouble being present, because sometimes I feel very afraid of not being on time.
Responsiveness (e.g., being terrified not to email people back within 24 hours): I get pretty scared of not performing for other people in ways they want, which was dangerous when I was a child who lived with an abuser, so like everything on this list, not people pleasing, or responding at inconvenience to myself, is something that I really work on. When I feel on high alert, I frequently forget what is it that I need, or that I want.
Avoiding places/things that might be unsafe, risky, or associated with past trauma: Often times if I’m walking past someplace where something bad happened, it’s been registered as “dangerous” in my brain. If I feel like someone I am afraid of might be there, it’s like my brain says, “nope, rerouting now!” and I find myself walking the opposite direction, taking a longer route, or having to truly push myself to go forward. This has subsided significantly with therapy.
Being extra prepared: I spend effort to be qualified, believable, and credible. I learn about people in advance of meeting them to understand them, read a lot of books, and generally try to be extra prepared for things so I can’t be shot down for being stupid or unprepared. Part of trying to minimize risk.
Being afraid to share aspects of myself that are in any way unconventional : I was ridiculed when I chose a college, a college major, friends, people to hang out with, etc., so I have to actively focus on sharing vulnerable aspects of myself with others to build connection.
General risk minimization: This includes driving at less busy times to avoid risk of accidents, getting vaccines on time, preparing thoroughly for doctor’s appointments, watching what people say vs. what they do…these may sound like normal things to do, but I don’t think most people do them with the expectation that if you are not on guard, bad things will happen.
If you have PTSD or CPTSD, how do you experience hypervigilance? Do any of these ring true for you? Let me know!
