What it feels like to be narcissistic
Part of an ongoing series about life with complex post-traumatic stress disorder
It feels…angry, volatile, alone. Cold, afraid, scared when you reach farther down. Sometimes, commanding. Sometimes, cruel, but righteous. Young, immature, disproportionate. Lofty. Irrational. Anxiety crops up like a tidal wave and it feels impossible to take responsibility for it yourself, so you lash out at everyone else. You’ll do anything to keep from being reminded how afraid you are that others control your happiness and sense of self worth, because you did not receive the acceptance you should have when you were young, and do not know what it sounds like, or feels like, or should feel like. You do not intrinsically know that you have worth. You believe that you, and everyone else around you, must prove their worth to have utility.
I grew up with a narcissistic parent, and learned many unhealthy coping mechanisms, including some controlling and narcissistic patterns, myself. They came out most when I was most stressed, in the most intimate relationships, fueled by anxiety, depression, and low self esteem. I think most people in my life would not relate these patterns to me, probably unlike with someone who might have NPD, which can be even more pervasive. As I’ve learned to have healthier boundaries, and to recognize my own worth more effectively, I have gained perspective on some of these ineffective, unhealthy thoughts. In my case like many people with CPTSD, I think most were “fight” responses from CPTSD. This is what they sounded/felt like from the inside.
Someone expresses special need xyz
Reflexive thought or words: “Scoff! I would never be so weak as to struggle with xyz! What a wimp.”
Secret fear: “Other people can never know I have struggles or they will not love me. I must distance myself from those who show weakness so I will not be grouped with them and targeted.”
Someone close to them made a mistake
Reflexive thought or words: “How dare you! You must fix it if you want to affiliated with me.”
Secret fear: “If you tarnish your reputation or show humanity, I will have to distance myself from you to minimize risk even though I love you.”
Someone forgot to do something
Reflexive thought or words: “This is a personal assault on my honor! You are not respecting me!”
Secret fear: “They don’t care about me. They are leaving me.”
Someone gets to do something with a different friend, or gets an award
Reflexive thought or words: “Why would you want to hang out with them anyway? They have flaws xyz. / Big deal, anyone could do that.”
Secret fear: “If you are able to be independent, you will no longer want to be with me. I must control you and minimize your accomplishments so your self esteem stays low and I can control you. No one would ever love me for who I am, so this is the only way for me to not be alone.”
Someone has limits and can’t comply with a desire or demand
Reflexive thought or words: “You must comply with my desire and demand! Do it! Now! Or else you will know my wrath.”
[someone says, but this is how I am/tries harder to comply]
“Not enough! Not enough! I must try to be perfect and your defects offend me personally.”
Secret fear: “I am not enough. The others around me are also not enough. No one will ever be loved. I am terrified of flaws because I worked as hard as I can and tried my best, and no one accepted me, anyway.”
Someone doesn’t provide enough attention.
Reflexive thought or words: “I hate you, you are the worst, no one will ever appreciate you for you! [I will get attention by acting out since you don’t understand what is owed to me]”
Secret fear: “I am the worst, everyone hates me. I am inherently unappreciable. Please give me attention so that I don’t have to be so scared.”
The rage that one feels is really intense when things like this happen. It doesn’t feel synthetic. It’s all part of low self esteem patterns, and this superiority complex where if you feel low, other people around you must feel lower for it to be ok.
It’s important to remember that narcissistic behavior is a spectrum. Often to deal with their own narcissistic traits, people must confront difficulties they experienced in childhood. This is not always an easy thing to do. It can be hard to admit in a way that feels like your world is falling, to say that people who should have made you feel safe and loved, did not. If the beliefs you’ve lived your life by are wrong, then who are you, and how dramatically will you need to change? So, many build defensive walls that keep others out — but close enough so they don’t feel alone, and where they can have egos shored up to rationalize their isolating pedestal, in an unhealthy push-pull (too close! too far! too close! too far!).
If you are willing to be reflective and turn inward instead of running from yourself, some are able to make progress and become more balanced people with healthier behavior patterns. It’s worth it, so that you can more genuinely connect with others. There is nothing wrong with admitting you have flaws. There is something wrong with knowing they’re there, and hurting other people, without doing anything about them. Own yourself, own your life, own your emotions/reactions, own your choices. Ok, stepping off my own pedestal now.
Some Narcissism self-help resources:
Dr. Carter — Youtube channel and When Pleasing You is Killing Me
Dr. Ramani — Youtube channel
General CPTSD resources — See link
